The Life of an Unattached Child

note from the editor: This is Fern Reinbeck, LPC's second blog post; you may find her first one here: Help! Am I a Codependent? Fern currently has openings via telehealth so if you think she may be able to help you, please use the Contact Us button on our website! -Alisha

Sarah grew up in a home that was filled with warmth, tenderness, and unconditional love. Sarah was hugged when she was sad, was celebrated when she did well on a test or got a role in the school play, and always felt heard and validated by her caregivers. No, Sarah did not get everything she wanted. Yes, there were rules; however, there was a balance of structure and love. Sarah grew up feeling safe, confident, and comfortable in her own skin. Sarah could set goals, make decisions, set her own boundaries and limits, and felt heard.

One day, Sarah had a family of her own. Since she was raised in a home that supported empowerment, personal space, learning from one’s mistakes, and encouragement; this was passed on to her own children. 

This environment = healthy or secure attachment.

Now, let’s look at Matt’s family. Matt’s family life was very different to Sarah’s. In Matt’s home, there was a primary caregiver that was authoritarian (very controlling) and the other leaned toward permissiveness (few or no rules). Although the permissive parent showed love by caring for basic needs, the emotional availability by either parent was not there. Therefore, although there was some affection shown towards Matt, as a child he never felt validated, heard, honored, or empowered. His feelings and thoughts were dismissed, minimized, and/or he was told to simply “get over it”. He was never provided appropriate guidance or direction- in fact, quite the opposite. Matt grew up having little to no autonomy or the ability to make healthy and well-thought out choices. Matt felt invisible.

As a result, this child did what he/she/they had to do to survive. Growing into adulthood, they might look towards other people, numerous types of addictions, or display maladaptive behaviors that fill a void of emptiness, abandonment, hurt, grief, sadness, anger, or pain.

This environment = unhealthy or insecure attachment.

Some signs that we might see (or you might feel) in an unattached/insecure (child) who is now an adult in their own relationships are:

• Fear of the unknown or in general

• Afraid of authority figures 

• Lack of Trust 

• Avoidance of people and situations

• Inability to have appropriate intimate bonds

• Impulsive behaviors

• Difficulty showing affection

• Anger issues

• Negative self-talk or image- judging one’s self harshly

• Unhealthy communication styles

• The inability to be vulnerable

What can you do as a parent to ensure secure attachment and to break the cycle? 

• Try a balance of structure and love (rules and validation).

• Meet your child where he/she/they are at.

• Listen to and honor their feelings. No, this does not mean they always get what they want- yet they are getting what they need.

• Empower them to make their own choices and learn from them (if they are not dangerous or unsafe).

• Create an environment of safety, inclusion, and trust. 

• Always be honest and direct. 

• Praise, yet encourage them to see their own strengths and areas for growth.

• Love without condition and model this in your life and interactions in and out of the home.

As an adult (insecure/unattached child), you do have choices. If you have experienced (or someone has pointed out to you) that you isolate, are unable to feel, at times dissociate, have difficulty in your relationships with partners or friends, are fearful of being honest and direct, have difficulty maintaining friendships, lose interest easily, do not feel safe, struggle at work or in school, or are filling the void with an unhealthy behavior:

you can break free from this, if you are willing to do the work.

Whether you choose a support group that focuses on growing up in a dysfunctional family, or you choose individual therapy; you have chosen you!  It is through acceptance that we could look inward; to be introspective, and to feel all the yucky (I know, not clinical!) stuff that we were unable to feel before.

 To begin with, try this: and say it out loud!

I am enough

I am worthy

I am loveable

I can do hard things

I am safe

I am confident

I am grateful

I am at peace.

To continue to work on your attachment concerns look out for my next blog where I will discuss how to be your own loving parent to your inner child or reparenting your inner child.

Until we meet again- take care of YOU!

-Fern